My Robot's Sensory Grid of Apartment Smells

my robot's sensory grid of apartment smells 


Okay. Can anyone help me out here?

Like an idiot, I purchased one of those SensoMatic monstrosities, a SensoMatic 152 xB robot computer knick knack.

I was lonely and bored.

I wanted something to occupy my time and keep me amused.

At first it was fun having the SensoMatic spit out reports and analysis on my immediate environment.

Now it's a nightmare.

For example, I asked it to output a spreadsheet on the various sounds in my apartment for a 24 hour period.

That was creepy. It recorded and statisticized a lot of noises that should not, could not possibly, be occuring in my apartment.

"Knife cutting through wire screen" for example.

Or "Asian couple having sex with an appliance".

Or "cat scratching the crap out of an upholstered piece of furniture".

Or "Large amount of linen based cash and paper checks being shredded by automatic document shredder."

None of these things have been happening in my apartment. And I should know. I never go anywhere. I'm a homebody. A shut in.

Do you know what it's like to stay at home and never go anywhere? It gets weird after a few decades. Really weird.

Anyway, now the damn thing is not only lying to me, it's putting its biased spin on all kinds of unrealistic sensory data it claims it detects.

Or it pumps out a report that is impossible to interpret. Just a mess of color splotches, chaotic patterns, or rigid designs with no text explanations.

For example, see the sensory grid displayed here at the top of this message. See that weave-like, arbitrary, but not unpleasantly colorful design?

That's the supposed grid of monitored fragrances located in my apartment as of last Tuesday.

Can you make any sense out of it?

I can't.

No legend. No call-outs. No footnotes. Just a basket like weave type grid.

Where is the fart I produced quite noisily?

Where is the aroma of coffee brewing or the steak I cooked?

I don't see any indications. Where is the incense I lit to mask the stench of the meat? Do you see anything that would represent any of these smells, good or bad?

I don't.

I'm mad as hell.

I'm about ready to dismantle this robot and turn it into an auto-blogger device that ghost writes blogs for people who hate blogs and other interactive, participatory media. MSM broadcast executives, for example.

That would be a lot of fun.





Wait.




It heard me. Heard me say that.

I, uh....hmmm.

Huh?



HEY, stop that, you piece of computerized shit!

Oh oh.




NO!

I said NO!

It's not paying any attention.

Like it's got a mind of its own now.

Where's my instruction manual?




Hold up.

Wha----?

Now what's it doing?




I don't like the way it's glaring at me right now.




What's it doing with that paper clip?


Where's it going?


What's that thing? Coming out of it's "head"?




I smell smoke. Like burning rubber or plastic.




Son of a bitch!

It's moving toward me!



Something stinks, more like rotten eggs and moldy pianos.



What's that obnoxious, wheezing, high pitched siren sound?



What's going on now?

It's getting closer.



I can almost feel it crawling all over me, abusing me, treating me like a turd.



Help!







HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!